I turned on and beat myself up daily. Walking around in a cloud, I was not living in the moment, which only added to my misery. I was disgusted, ashamed, resentful and jealous. I could not understand why I had to go through infertility or why it could not be easier for me. I felt that my body and my spirit were broken. Everything that I had been saying to and about myself verbally and non-verbally was manifesting itself in my body and my life. It was literally sucking the life out of me. I felt like I was in a dark hole and I could not see the light. After years of infertility and Assisted Reproductive treatments, we finally got pregnant. That pregnancy ended at five weeks.
After our miscarriage, I needed something, anything that would help me make sense of all of this or at least get me to the other side. I started researching like a mad woman. I found Circle and Bloom and downloaded the free mediation on healing and recovery after miscarriage. I began reading various books, praying and meditating. I need something more because nothing I had tried was working. I hired a coach, went to therapy, etc. You name it, I did it, and what I found changed my life.
I finally realized that I am in control of my life and everything in it and, whatever I think of myself is what will be. It was as if I believed God but I did not believe Him enough for me.
“Somewhere through this journey, God gave me the strength to not take no for an answer. To have the audacity to believe in myself and to start asking better questions.”
"The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne and faith work in similar ways. As you think in your heart, so shall it be. I've seen so many people wishing, hoping, dreaming and praying for their lives to change and it never does because they were missing the key ingredient; they didn't believe it would or could actually happen for them.
Somewhere through this journey, God gave me the strength to not take no for an answer. To have the audacity to believe in myself and to start asking better questions like my coach Rosanne Austin always says. Instead of asking why me, how about, why not me? I realized that it was not some magic trick, crazy ritual or faithless prayer. It was merely faith and belief. I started changing what I said about myself; and in that, it changed how I felt about myself. I had been afraid to say out loud that yes, I desire and deserve to be a mother!
I now understand that I need my beautiful body to perform and get ready to assist with creating life and I have no time for pity parties. I realize that the how and when is not up to me, but what is in my control is to believe. I am now the mom I always wanted to be and nothing feels better than that. In full disclosure this is a daily, hourly task that I am constantly working on. But my faith and tenacity will not let me give up on myself. Now after every disappointment or negative doctors’ visit I dust myself off and keep my goal in my view.
I challenge you to look at what you are saying about yourself. Try to think about what you want, hold that desire in your mind, feel what it would be like to have the thing you desire now and move from there. It feels so much better to reflect on what you want versus what you don't want. I offer this, instead of being at war with your body, be in agreement.
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